A personal reflection
Many newsletters and articles about seniors focus on the need to have a plan … starting with the difficult conversation with your parent, having to consider the worst case and life’s inevitable outcome, investigating available resources, navigating sibling differences of opinion. We’ve all read these articles, learned something (even if it’s that we’re not alone), and put away nuggets for later. And then later is now.For more than 20 years, I’ve helped seniors and their loved ones plan for their futures, but, just like the old story about the cobbler’s children having no shoes, I tried often (with little success) to get my father to consider a next-steps plan, especially as he hit age 80 and beyond. Let me share some of my story with you.
Mom had passed away at a young age in 2001 and dad was with Bonnie, a lovely partner in a long-term relationship in Florida. Neither had children close by so they were completely dependent on each other, and, for many years, it was a relief to have someone local, strong and intelligent to worry about all the increasing doctor visits, hospitalizations, medications and memory loss. Luckily dad’s medical bills and other mail all came to me so I was able to see the building tsunami, but it was usually months after the fact. And they did have a long-term plan that made total sense to them. Dad had so many more medical issues than Bonnie that he was sure to go first and then she would move back to Ohio with her daughter since neither of them could function on their own.
And then the worst case hit that none of us saw coming.
Bonnie suffered a massive heart attack on the Sunday before Thanksgiving, 2023 and passed on Monday morning. She had grown to be a key part of our family and traveled to MA every summer with dad to visit for a few weeks. The loss was terrible for our family and dad and even more so for her daughters.
Monday afternoon I received a call from Dad’s hospital case worker. They found dad wandering the halls of the hospital knowing he was looking for Bonnie but not being totally aware of where he was or how to navigate finding the exit and parking area. Yes, despite memory issues and numerous accidents and times when he had physically been not in great shape to drive, he still had a driver’s license … even though I had tried using his primary care physician and the local police to take it away.
The case worker was very firm. I had to come immediately and figure out where dad could safely live now. Bonnie’s daughters didn’t have the heart to point blank say that he couldn’t live in the house any longer. Subsequent conversations revealed that Bonnie was sharing more details with them of dad’s many falls and other issues than I was aware of.
And so, the crisis mode kicked in. My husband, a much more frequent flyer, found a flight to Florida for me and booked the rental car. This was an amazing feat, considering it was just days before Thanksgiving. Clothes and work files got thrown in the suitcase. Who knew how long I’d be away? The phone calls and emails to colleagues started in earnest. Who did they know in that part of Florida who could help me find appropriate care and an assisted living community? The response was overwhelming and such a lifeline.
I arrived in Florida late Monday and spent the evening dealing with everyone’s grief. Colleagues in the Aging Life Care Association (ALCA) identified a company able to search assisted living communities that had openings and could accommodate dad’s medical issues which required special licensing in Florida. Tuesday and Wednesday were set aside to tour these facilities. Luckily, dad honed in on a community quickly and there were openings.
My brother and his wife arrived Sunday to take over the actual move-in and stayed through Thursday to clear everything of dad’s out of the house. It’s wonderful when the sibs step up to take on some key tasks. Whew! We thought we were looking at some clear sailing: having dad in a good community with the services he needed and qualified caretakers.
As we’ve all seen in our many years in this business, declines in health after age 80 seem to have a larger and more debilitating effect. From early December until late March, Dad was in a cycle of falls, hospitalizations, and medication changes. I hired an Aging Life Care Expert based in Sarasota who took on Dad’s case and made wellness visits to the community and accompanied him to doctor appointments. She was a godsend, filling in as my surrogate, advocating for Dad and the family, and communicating extensively and in real-time.
Nothing the doctors did seemed to last and, frankly, it very much felt like he was giving up. He made a couple of friends in the community, but mostly kept to himself and didn’t join many activities. Thankfully he was cognizant enough to know that he couldn’t figure out how to get to the VFW or any of the other clubs he used to frequent and make it back to his community, so the driving stopped, and he didn’t feel comfortable trying to navigate the world of UBER or taxis.
In late March Dad’s night caregiver found him on the floor again and he was taken to the trauma hospital in Sarasota. He spent almost 20 days in the hospital, mostly in the CCU. Numerous specialists were called in and many different treatments were tried. The Aging Life Care Expert visited dad at least every other day and arranged necessary reviews with the nurses and case manager. When dad was up for it, she did FaceTime calls so we could chat – even for just a few minutes.
On April 15th, I had to finally just put an end to all the treatments and call off any other heroic efforts. Dad and I had talked, and he was just sick and tired of being sick and tired. The hospital began the search for a hospice home that had an open bed.
Dad was transferred there on April 17th, arriving around 2pm. The wonderful folks at the hospice gave him his first shower and shave in weeks and got him into comfy PJs. He was tucked into a bed in a nice quiet room without a bunch of machines beeping and personnel coming and going at all times to provide meds, take vitals, and, unfortunately, break any peace and quiet. They asked if he was comfortable, and he said he was. He passed within minutes. Getting that call was a complete mixed blessing.
Our family has been dealing with a fabulous elder lawyer and funeral home director for many years. It’s hard to put the work in on the front end and make sure that all the necessary paperwork is complete and up to date, but I cannot stress enough what a lifesaver it was to have everything in place and not have to scramble to have the necessary authorizations – especially dealing with long-distance bureaucracies.
It’s been a year since Dad’s passing and I remain incredibly grateful to be a part of this amazing village of colleagues who deal with every hard part of the aging process and end-of-life. My message to these wonderful professionals is: “Keep up the great work and know that your expertise and compassion make a difficult journey bearable.”.