Adult children know the feeling inside when one or more tough issues should be addressed with their parents. Whether it’s giving up driving, getting in-home healthcare, or moving out of the family home that can no longer be taken care of adequately, the very thought of broaching the subject can cause stress on both sides.
Major life transitions are difficult. These conversations are not easy and when there is disagreement between parent and child, they become even more stressful. It is important to approach these issues using proven principles that will make these tough discussions easier.
Don’t Wait for a Crisis
Plan to discuss the issue before it turns into a crisis. Start a dialog now. Once things become critical, there will be fewer options available. Tell your parents you are concerned, and you want to help them do what is right for them as they get older. Let them know that these are sensitive issues and you want them to understand why you want to discuss them.
Include Parents in the Decision-Making
Ask your parents for their suggestions on how to deal with an issue. Give them a voice so they feel they are a part of the solution. They need to know they have a part in controlling what happens to them, whether it has to do with finances, health concerns, or where they will live. They will be more able to adapt to changes if they have a say in the decisions.
Get Family Consensus
It is important to bring siblings and other family members into the process, when appropriate. Discuss the issue with them before talking with your parents. Getting their perspective and support is key. If there is disagreement on a course of action, it can undermine the entire process and create even more stress. Work out any significant differences and agree on a strategy. This may require more than a few conversations or help from a third party to come to unanimity.
Empathy is the Starting Point
It is key to see the situation through your parents’ perspective. Try to envision how a loss of independence affects their confidence and quality of life. Elderly parents experience loss every day. Acknowledging these losses and allowing parents to express their feelings will open the door to opportunities to talk about alternatives that will let them retain some control over their future.
Good Communication Begins with Respect
Show respect for your parents’ life experiences and the sacrifices they have made for their family. Give them your reassurance that you will be there for them, even if you don’t always agree on a plan for the transitions that are to come as they get older.
Offer options and ask for their ideas and feedback. Express concern, rather than tell them what they should do. Listen to their concerns and ask opened-ended question that encourage discussion. Don’t ask questions that can be simply answered with a “Yes” or “No.”
You Won’t Always Agree
If your conversation doesn’t result in the decision you were seeking, resist the urge to argue. It may take several discussions over time before your parents see the need for change as clearly as you do. If they are not in an immediate health crisis and are of sound mind, their wishes should prevail.
Revisit the Issue
Approach the topic again after some time, especially if the situation is worsening. You may suggest that you bring in a third party for additional information to make a decision. A senior care manager, financial planner, or elder law attorney can provide expertise that may help.
Addressing tough topics with aging parents isn’t easy. Carried out with patience and respect, your conversations can strengthen your relationship and express your love and care in a compassionate way.
Tough Topics that Need Discussion
- No longer safe to drive
- Control of finances
- Updating a will or estate plan
- Long-term life insurance
- Pre-planning funeral wishes
- Transitioning to assisted living
- Downsizing a home
- Challenging health concerns
If you have questions about an upcoming transition, call Marie LeBlanc at 617-513-0433 or email.