“The Talk” is a real cause of concern for many in the “sandwich” generation. Having elderly parents who may need help with daily activities or are struggling to live independently in their own home, may mean that it is time to have “the talk.”
An elderly parent may be in denial, even though it is evident that he or she is relying on family and friends more and more. When adult children decide it is time to discuss selling the family home, downsizing, and/or moving to an assisted living community, parents can react in one or more of the following ways:
- “I don’t want to discuss this.” Shutting down is one way to avoid the subject entirely.
- “I’m just fine living at home. I am not ready to go anywhere.” A loved one may deny that there is any problem by insisting she is all right.
- “Leave me alone. Why do you think I can’t take care of myself?” Anger often is a response to questioning a parent’s ability to be independent.
- “Why can’t you stop by to see me every day? Don’t you want to? I don’t understand what you are saying.” Confusion – real or feigned – can substitute for a discussion on the actual issues.
- “I understand … maybe it is time to see what my options are.” Acceptance is the goal, but it may take some time and compassion to get there.
Here are some helpful tips in having a successful discussion on this sensitive topic:
- Select the environment for the discussion. Is it better to talk in public in private? It is harder to “retreat” to a bedroom when you are at a restaurant. At home you can set the stage by bringing fresh baked cookies or preparing a favorite lunch at the dining table.
- Express love and show affection for your loved one.
- Share your concerns with facts. As an example, say:
* You have fallen twice in the last month.
* You forgot to take your meds three times this week.
* I visit every day before work to help you get your day planned. - With love and empathy, explain why you are fearful. Say something like, “When I telephone, I hold my breath until you answer for fear that you may have fallen again. I am in a constant state of stress and am concerned that if something were to happen to me, you won’t be taken care of.” It is OK to get teary or to cry. This is a very emotional time for all.
- State your plan to have you and your parent work out a solution together. Say, “I don’t want to see you move from the home I grew up in. I know you don’t want to move either. But … we can do this together.” There are plenty of resources that can inform about housing options. Explain, “I know we can find a place that you will be comfortable in. We’ll visit some and have lunch and take a tour.”
The Aging Life Care Association has many resources to help when a loved one is ready for a transition. Visit their website and explore the information there.
Marie LeBlanc at Transitions Liquidation Services is a Senior Move Manager who has been a proud member of ALCA who served on the Board of Directors for more than ten years. Call her at 617-513-0433 if you have questions.