Adult children know the feeling inside when a tough issue should be addressed with their parents. Whether it’s giving up driving, getting in-home healthcare, or moving out of the family home that can no longer be taken care of adequately, the very thought of broaching the subject can cause stress on both sides.
Moving out of the home that has been the place where memories have been made for decades can be the hardest conversation to have with a parent. Here are some things to consider:
Get Family Consensus
It is important to bring siblings and other family members into the process, when appropriate. Discuss the need for Mom and Dad to move with them before talking with your parents. Get their perspective and support. If there is disagreement on a course of action, it can undermine the entire process and create even more stress. Work out any significant differences and agree on a strategy. This may require more than a few conversations or help from a third party to come to unanimity.
Don’t Wait for a Crisis
Plan to discuss the issue before it turns into a crisis. Start a dialog now. Once things become critical, there will be fewer options available. Tell your parents you are concerned, and you want to help them do what is right for them as they get older. Let them know that you understand how sensitive this discussion can be.
Include Parents in the Decision-Making
Ask your parents for their suggestions on how they feel about moving. Give them a voice so they feel they are a part of the solution. They need to know they have a part in controlling what happens to them. They will be more able to adapt to changes if they have a say in the decisions.
State your plan to have you and your parents work out a solution together. Say, “I don’t want to see you move from the home I grew up in. I know you don’t want to move either. But we can figure this out together.” There are plenty of resources that provide information about housing options. Explain, “I know we can find a place that you will be comfortable in. We’ll visit some and have lunch and take a tour.”
Denial as a Response
An elderly parent may be in denial, even though it is evident that he or she is relying on family and friends more and more. When adult children decide it is time to discuss selling the family home, downsizing, and/or moving to an assisted living community, parents can react in one or more of the following ways:
- “I don’t want to discuss this.” Shutting down is one way to avoid the subject entirely.
- “I’m just fine living at home. I am not ready to go anywhere.” A loved one may deny that there is any problem by insisting she is all right.
- “Leave me alone. Why do you think I can’t take care of myself?” Anger often is a response to questioning a parent’s ability to be independent.
- “Why can’t you stop by to see me every day? Don’t you want to? I don’t understand what you are saying.” Confusion – real or feigned – can substitute for a discussion on the actual issues.
Acceptance is the goal, but it may take some time and compassion to get there.
Empathy is the Starting Point
It is key to see the situation from your parents’ perspective. Try to envision how a loss of independence affects their confidence and quality of life. Elderly parents experience loss every day. Acknowledging these losses and allowing parents to express their feelings will open the door to opportunities to talk about alternatives that will let them retain some control over their future.
With love and empathy, explain your fears. Say something like, “When I telephone, I hold my breath until you answer for fear that you may have fallen again. I am in a constant state of stress and am concerned that if something were to happen to me, you wouldn’t be taken care of.” It is OK to get teary or to cry. This is a very emotional time for all.
Good Communication Begins with Respect
Show respect for your parents’ life experiences and the sacrifices they have made for their family. Give them your reassurance that you will be there for them, even if you don’t always agree on a plan for the transitions that are to come as they get older.
Offer options and ask for their ideas and feedback. Express concern, rather than tell them what they should do. Listen to their concerns and ask opened-ended questions that encourage discussion.
You Won’t Always Agree
If your conversation doesn’t result in the decision you were seeking, resist the urge to argue. It may take several discussions over time before your parents see the need for change in their housing situation as clearly as you do. If they are not in an immediate health crisis and are of sound mind, their wishes should prevail.
Revisit the Issue
Approach the topic again after some time, especially if the situation is worsening. You may suggest that you bring in a third party for additional information to help decide on what to do. A financial planner, elder law attorney, aging life care expert, or senior move manager can provide expertise that may help.
Senior Move Management Services
Senior move managers will create a floor plan so decisions can be made on what household goods, furniture, décor, and clothing will go to the new home. They will work with the family and realtor to prepare the home for sale. Comprehensive senior move management services include arranging for shipment or delivery of items being given to family members, organizing donations to charities, and disposing of unwanted items. Senior move managers work efficiently with family members (even those located out of state) to ensure that the packing, move, and unpacking is seamless. The goal is for the new home to be completely set up at move-in, so the new residents feel as comfortable and “at-home” as possible.
Addressing the need to move out of the family home with aging parents isn’t easy. Carried out with patience and respect, your conversations can strengthen your relationship and express your love and care in a compassionate way.
The Aging Life Care Association has many resources to help when a loved one is ready for a transition. Visit their website and explore the information there.
Marie LeBlanc at Transitions Liquidation Services is a Senior Move Manager who has been a proud member of ALCA and has served on the Board of Directors for more than ten years. If you have questions about the help you need, call her at 617-513-0433.